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September 23, 2013
2013 Vermont Walk to End Alzheimer’s
We had a fantastic time yesterday at the Shelburne Museum for the 2013 Vermont Walk to End Alzheimer’s in Shelburne, VT. Our team, Team Nolting, raised over $800 for the Alzheimer’s Association. It was amazing to be together with our incredible family and friends. The whole energy of this annual event is one of hope, fun and love. Nancy’s 88-year-old father amazed all of us by walking the entire course; he is an inspiration to all of us with his determination and good cheer!
August 12, 2013
Shining a Light in Dark Times
When crises strike families, the loneliness, fear and lack of answers can feel paralyzing. Elder Care Connections of Vermont is often called upon in times of crises such as falls, dementia, caregiver overwhelm or burnout, or sudden acute diagnoses. It is during these times that we are able to help families find needed resources, support and a sense of direction. The uncertainty involved in our darkest moments as families can feel isolating and scary. It’s our mission to shine a light of knowledge, resources and support to families during difficult times. Creating a plan, working that plan and advocating for our clients and their families, so they no longer feel alone or directionless are just a few of the reasons why we love our work so much.
July 23, 2013
Can You Relate…
Are you an adult child involved with caregiving for an aging parent?
Are the responsibilities of caregiving interrupting your work day?
Put down the bottle (of aspirin) and pick up the phone. We at Elder Care Connections of Vermont are a phone call away. We are here to help.
Did You Know…
- Here’s a no-brainer…did you know that caregiving for your aging loved one leads to lost productivity at work? It’s not your fault. You didn’t ask for this added responsibility and you’re not superwoman or superman no matter how hard you try. No one can do it all.
- 53% of caregivers admit that their job performance is negatively affected. How can it not be?
- 84% make caregiving related phone calls during business hours. What…are you really going to decline a phone call from the nurse at your parent’s assisted living facility because your boss is in the office today?
- 68% of caregiving employees arrive late or leave early. Hey, your parents need to be checked in on and you are the closest living relative. What are you supposed to do?
- 67% of caregiving employees take time off from work during the day. Well this certainly isn’t going to lead to your nomination of employee of the year award. Again, it’s not your fault. You’re just trying to take care of people you love.
A Solution…
Call us at Elder Care Connections of Vermont. We are trained Geriatric Care Managers and taking away your stress is what we do. We’ll create a clear plan to manage the needs of your aging loved ones. Call us today at 802-999-9172 or 802-324-6562. We are virtual family members here to help.
July 2013
A Conversation Between Siblings
She: Age 85. “Stand up and give me a hug before I head to the airport.”
He: Age 86. Uses the arms of his chair to push off of and stand up. He carefully finds his balance as he stands. His 6’2” frame is now closer to 6’. He leaves his cane leaning against the table.
She: Also leaves her cane leaning against the table. She steps closer, reaches up and puts her arms around his neck, drawing him closer.
She: “I love you big brother. I love you so much.”
He: Nods his head in agreement.
She: Pulls away to look into his blue eyes. “I love you big brother. I’ll miss you. Do you love me too?”
He: Nods his head again. He’s too choked up to speak.
She: She persists. “Don’t you love me too?”
He: Speaks is a heartfelt whisper barely loud enough to hear, “Yes, I love you too.”
She: A tear slips down her cheek.
He: Same.
She: “Stay well big brother.”
He: Another nod. “You too.”
They: Have shared 85 years of life: childhood, the Depression, World War II, more wars, marriages, weddings, children, grandchildren, life. Siblings, forever. Beautiful.
June 2013
Help…I Need Somebody! Help…Not Just Anybody!
During this time of year of weddings and graduations, we are struck by how each new stage of life brings its own joys and challenges. People who navigate the most successfully tend to be those who are able to recognize when they need help and who are able to reach out and accept this help from others. We all need others in our lives whether we are a 17 year-old high school senior, a 27 year-old bride to be or a 77 year-old grandfather. It has been said that relationships are the source of our greatest joy and greatest pain. One of the most difficult things for many adult children is when they realize that they may need to start taking a more active role in the lives of their parents. This can be a lonely and difficult time for all concerned. Your parents may be feeling the words that John Lennon wrote…. “When I was younger so much younger than today, I never needed anybody’s help in any way…. And now my life has changed in oh so many ways. My independence seems to vanish in the haze. But every now and then I feel so insecure. I know that I just need you like I’ve never done before.” Part of our joy of working with families is serving as a reminder that they are not alone and help is always here! Let us help you get “your feet back on the ground”. We are Elder Care Connections of Vermont.
March 2013
The Grief In Forgetting…
One of the hardest parts for families of people with dementia is often the daily reminders that the person they knew and loved so well has appeared to have vanished and replaced with a person who acts differently. Sometimes these changes in personality for the person affected by dementia occur gradually, while for others, changes appear seemingly overnight. Your sweet mother, who never once raised her voice at you or your siblings growing up, now snaps at all of you daily. Or your father, so brilliant, calm and accomplished during his long career is now anxiety-ridden, repeating the same question again and again. Each time these repetitive questions are asked, or seemingly bizarre behavior occurs, it can feel like a knife to your heart, another endless reminder that the person you knew, loved and depended upon, isn’t the same, and never will be. That longing for the way your loved one used to be can be heartbreaking. You may experience a range of emotions including anger, fear or frustration that the roles are reversing and you have been thrust into the uncomfortable position of making difficult decisions for the person who used to make decisions for you. It can be a time of deep grief. Part of the benefit of working with a geriatric care manager is that they have no previous relationship to your family member with dementia and they have no expectations of the way your family member used to be or how they used to act. It is not personally painful or frustrating to a geriatric care manager when your parent asks the same question for the 20th (or 100th) time that day. It’s part of a geriatric care manager’s role to expect the unexpected and to be with people in the moment. Having the proper support and compassion for not only the person afflicted with dementia but also for you, the family member, is essential. A geriatric care manager can help make this difficult time easier by being a calm, steady, knowledgeable presence during one of the most challenging times in life. You don’t have to go through this alone.
November 2012
Gratitude
Thanksgiving has passed and November is drawing to a close. Before we move forward into the buying frenzy that December has become, let us pause and reflect a moment on Thanksgiving. Giving thanks. Did you know that giving thanks and having gratitude are linked to increased happiness and levels of life satisfaction? It’s true. Think about that for a minute. It’s that easy. Life satisfaction isn’t about what deal you found on Black Friday or dreaming of what gift may be under the tree for you on Christmas morning. Happiness is right here and now for the taking. The other morning a friend shared with us a wonderful insight. It was a gray and bleak morning, the kind that only November in Vermont can bring. She shared with us that November is her favorite time of year. Stunned, we asked her to please tell us why! She explained that she loves being able to see the unique beauty and structure of the trees without all the leaves being in the way. Without the leaves, she can see the details of the birds in the trees as well. Her joy over the unique beauty of this time of year was infectious! It’s a great reminder that there are so many ways to look at the same situation- it really is all a choice. We can look back longingly at the lost days of summer, pine for the future days of spring, or choose to find joy and beauty right where we are now, in this moment- with all its loss and imperfection. Beauty and unexpected miracles abound. We are so thankful.
September 2012
I Remember You ®
Team Nolting 2012
The Elder Care Connections of Vermont team, Team Nolting, had a wonderful time last Sunday at the Alzheimer’s Association annual Walk to End Alzheimer’s held at the beautiful Shelburne Museum. As Alzheimer’s awareness month draws to a close, we want to remind all those affected by Alzheimer’s disease and the people who care for them that they are not alone. We proudly wore our I Remember You ® t-shirts, hats and bracelets and enjoyed a beautiful autumn day with family and friends.
June 2012
Father’s Day Blog
“A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty.” – Unknown
On this Father’s Day, it’s time to stop, give pause and reflect upon our dads, the role they’ve played and the impact they’ve had on our lives. My father lived through the Great Depression, served in World War II and returned home to fall in love with and marry the young lady he met on a blind date 62 years ago, my mother. How’s that for a romantic story? He raised seven active and strong-minded children, supporting each on our varied paths through college, graduate school and law school. He attended countless school and athletic events (we had not a hint of musical talent in our family) and continues to brag about each of us and his 16 grandchildren shamelessly whenever given the opportunity. Throughout the years, his mantra was always the same, “Your mother and I have given you your roots to grow. You must use your wings to fly.” Thanks Dad. We all have. Today, we salute all of those great men who are great fathers to their children. We are blessed to include our dads and our husbands in this group of great men. Many men can become a father, but it takes a truly spectacular man to be a dad.
Happy Father’s Day 2012!
May 2012
May has arrived and we at Elder Care Connections of Vermont couldn’t be happier or more grateful! The weather is warmer, the flowers are blooming and we are busier than ever. It’s also time to celebrate our mothers. We take this month to salute the many families we work with who dedicate so much love and devotion to caring for their mothers. We are humbled to be asked by so many to work with such wonderful women.
As busy moms and daughters ourselves, we understand the juggling act that so many of us do every day to take care of all the people we love, including ourselves. We also know firsthand that Mother’s Day can be a bittersweet day for some. If your relationship with your mom has been less than optimal or if your mother has passed on, Mother’s Day can be a day of longing. We also want to remember those mothers who have had children who have passed on too and to be mindful that Mother’s Day can be a difficult day for them as well.
The past year has reminded us that miracles surround us and that even though many of the people we love are no longer physically with us, we always carry them in our hearts. The truth is that love never ends.
“To a child’s ear, ‘mother’ is magic in any language.” ~Arlene Benedict
Happy Mother’s Day!
Special Announcement!
We are so excited to announce our exciting new Free seminar series! Nancy and Annemarie are joining forces with Tim Cope of Fleischer Jacobs Group to explain what you need to know about long term care now and for the future. Please join us to learn more about:
- What options are available to you and your family when someone you love needs care?
- What services and facilities are available in our community?
- What is a “Care Coordinator” and what do they do?
- Does Long Term Care insurance make sense for you or a family member?
- What does Long Term Care insurance cover?
- What do Medicare, Medicaid, and other insurances cover?
- A better understanding of how long term care is currently funded and how this could affect your need to use your investments or sell assets to pay for care in the future.
Choose a date and time: Thursday, May 10th at 2:00-3:30 PM or 6:30-8:00 PM Thursday, May 24th at 10:00-11:30 AM or 4:30-6:00 PM Space is limited, we encourage you to reserve your spot as soon as possible. Presenters: Tim Cope, Fleischer Jacobs Group Annemarie Miner, Elder Care Connections of Vermont Nancy Scagnelli, Elder Care Connections of Vermont Location: Fleischer Jacobs Group Office Building, 3rd Floor 620 Hinesburg Road, South Burlington, VT 05407 RSVP by: Wednesday, May 9th for the May 10th meeting Wednesday, May 23rd for the May 24th meeting Questions? Call FJG 865-5000 x 4704, Tim Cope or email tcope@fjgfinancial.com
Making a Difference
February 2012
Super Bowl Sunday 2012 was not only a big day for Giants fans, but it was also a huge win for the hungry in Chittenden County Vermont. Our 3rd Annual Super Bowl Sunday Food Drive was a tremendous success thanks to the incredible generosity of community neighbors! South Burlington residents from five neighborhoods donated 2, 537 pounds of food to the Chittenden County Emergency Food Shelf. This is enough food to feed a family of four for over two years! Thanks to all of you who donated your time, your energy or your groceries to make a difference! 
January 2012
If you’re like us, you know that January in Vermont can feel a little bleak at times.
Shake off the Winter Blahs and join us for something fun and fabulous next weekend!
We’ll be at the largest event for Baby Boomers and Elders in Northern New England!
We are so excited to be participating in Vermont Maturity Magazine’s 17th ANNUAL Vermont 50-Plus & Baby Boomers EXPO on Saturday, January 28, 2012 at the Sheraton Hotel and Conference Center in So. Burlington, Vermont. Come join the fun and visit us at the Elder Care Connections of Vermont booth! We would love to meet you in person and answer any questions you may have. As geriatric care managers, we love helping people and creating clear plans that help elders and their families navigate the challenges of aging. Whether your parents need more support in their home or are looking to transition to a new one, we can guide you every step of the way. It is our mission to help elders maintain the highest level of safety, independence, and quality of life while providing their families with peace of mind. We will also be selling our beautiful, handcrafted in Vermont, I Remember You TM bracelets. Plus you can enter to win our fabulous Caregiver Relaxation Basket! One lucky winner will walk away with a basket filled with lovely products for pampering and relaxation. The Expo hours are 9am-4pm and ticket prices are $5 at the door or $4 in advance by calling 802-872-9000 x19. The EXPO is open to all ages and offers a wide variety of interactive exhibits and an exciting roster of informative seminars and workshops. You can take part in Zumba Fitness & Tai Chi Demos, dance party with DJ Charlie Rice, live Family Feud-style game shows with great prizes, and a local soup sampling. Enjoy a performance from the Lyric Theatre Show Chorus featuring songs from Broadway musicals, Celtic band Longford Row in concert, and Rah the agility dog. Enter for a chance to win great prizes including a Casino trip for two! Stop by the silent auction and raffle to benefit the Alzheimer’s Association Vermont Chapter. The whole atmosphere will be fun and festive and we hope you will join us!
How to Help an Older
Loved One During the Holidays…
December 2011
This holiday season doesn’t have to be all about buying presents. Celebrate this year by giving your time to an older friend or family member. Here’s a few simple ways you can make a difference: 1. Check in on an elderly loved one and spread some cheer! Wintertime can be isolating for many people and seeing your smiling face may be just what they need to brighten their spirits! 2. Run an errand. It may be easier and quicker for you to run down to the post office to buy some holiday stamps than it is for your 89 year-old neighbor. While you’re at it, maybe you can help address a few envelopes! 3. Grab a snow shovel or spread some salt. Icy walkways and driveways are severe fall hazards for the most nimble of us. Ask my 12 year-old daughter Meg about that one! Help keep us all safe from falls this holiday season! 
Wishing you a safe, happy and healthy 2011 holiday season!
The Attitude of Gratitude
November 2011
“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.” ~Melody Beattie Author of The Language of Letting Go This past year has been a challenging one for so many of us. It’s been a volatile year with the economy as we’ve held our breath watching our retirement funds shrink and expand with every subtle nuance of the stock market. We’ve witnessed health changes and challenges for many we love which have sometimes led to unexpected changes in living situations. Most challenging of all however has been coming to terms with the “new normal” of living our lives after someone we love deeply and who has been so completely entrenched in our everyday routine has passed on. For this last example, I am speaking of my mother. Gratitude. This is certainly not an emotion that sprang to my mind a year ago. The emotions that ruled my world last November were raw grief and overwhelming sadness packaged up tightly in a thick coat of numbness as I struggled to come to terms with living my life without my mom. Numbness was my emotion of choice because it enabled me to pretty much go about my business of everyday life as a mother, wife, business person and coach. Life doesn’t stop when someone you love passes on. It feels like it of course, but my young family knew otherwise. Last November my husband’s job was busier than ever, which was and is a good thing. Our 17 year-old son was furiously putting the final touches on his college applications despite the fact that he was battling mononucleosis. Our 15 year-old son was excitedly picking out his first pair of real race skies in anticipation of the start of his first season as a member of the varsity alpine ski team. But it was our sweet 11 year-old daughter who was most affected by the passing of her grandmother and the effects that loss was having on me. It was for Meg that I pushed myself daily to find that “new normal.” “At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” ~Albert Schweitzer (1875 – 1965) German theologian, musician, philosopher, and physician. It all happened so gradually that I wasn’t aware of its emergence into my life. I think it was the small acts of kindness of family and friends that set it all in motion. This was soon followed by the beginning of the pennies from heaven left in my path. Thank you, Mom. I’ll save that story for another time. And then people started to appear, strangers who were to become dear friends and new business partners. The emotions that had once had such a strong hold of my world were slowly melting and being replaced by something even more powerful: gratitude. “You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you.” ~Sarah Ban Breathnach Author of Simple Abundance Thank you to all who have helped me through this difficult year. I am so very grateful. ~Nancy
Free Falling
October 19, 2011
I tripped the other day. I was rushing out my front door to go to my daughter’s soccer game when I suddenly plunged head-first down the cement steps of my front porch. I forgot about the cast on my left foot and somehow caught the tip of my cast on the welcome mat of my front porch and there I went free-falling head-first. I twisted mid-fall, trying to prevent a face plant into the cement and ended up catching my tailbone on the corner of a step. Ouch. Major ouch. I lay there for a moment on the cold hard cement, stunned and hurting. “Really,“ I thought, “First a cast on my foot and now a fall?” Falls are scary stuff. Ten years ago, my sister and I were evaluating assisted living facilities in our area for our parents and we witnessed a fall by a resident first hand. The director of the assisting living facility sat with us in this lovely dining room one beautiful summer morning answering our many questions about the safety of the facility. Just at that moment, an older resident was slowly and cautiously creeping along with his walker down the hall behind the director. One second the man was on his feet and the next it was as if he stepped on a banana peel, his feet flew up into the air in front of him and down he went! And he did all of this without making sound! My sister and I were the only two witnesses to his fall. We jumped to our feet, alerted the director to the poor man lying on the ground a few yards behind her and got out of the way so the director could tend to the resident. Trust me; there was no banana peel on the ground or loose throw rug at that assisted living facility for the resident to stumble over. Sometimes falls just happen, but when they do they can be devastating. One out of three seniors over the age of 65 will fall each year. One fall can mean the difference between your parent living independently in his or her own home to suddenly needing to hire outside help to complete basic activities of daily living like getting themselves dressed or moving freely about their home. So how do we help prevent our parents from falling? 1. Declutter. If an object doesn’t absolutely need to be in my father’s living room, I check with him first and then I get rid of it. My father tends to catch his enormous size 13 men’s shoes on pieces of furniture. I also make sure that all rooms in his place are well-lit and that all electrical cords are safely tucked against walls. 2. Get rid of any loose throw rugs. I don’t care how pretty or decorative they may be, they are a tripping hazard. Get rid of them. 3. Stay on top of all medications. I make sure my dad’s doctor evaluates his medications regularly so that these meds don’t lead to any dizziness. 4. Wear good footwear and updated eyewear. There’s no getting around the enormous size of my dad’s feet (I don’t mean to pick on my dad’s large feet since all seven of us kids inherited his large foot gene) but make sure whatever shoe your parent wears has good tread and support. 5. Exercise. I saved the best for last! This is the absolute most important thing your parents can do to help prevent a fall! Use your muscles or lose your muscles! My dad’s exercise of choice is Tai Chi. This is an awesome exercise for improving balance and relieving stress. Find what works for your parent and encourage them to stay strong! And as for me? Well, my cast will be off in a few short weeks and I am determined to return to my normal exercise routine. I got rid of the darn welcome mat on my front porch. One fall was enough to scare me.
2011 Walk to End Alzheimer’s
Shelburne Museum, Shelburne VT
Wow! Last Sunday, September 25, 2011 couldn’t have been more beautiful for a Walk to End Alzheimer’s at the Shelburne Museum! Check out some of our pictures from the event…
Team Nth – Over 30 People Strong!
(We’re missing a few team members from the picture. Connor….I forgive you for sleeping through your alarm!) 
OK. Can anyone guess what Nth refers to in our name Team Nth? There are two meanings to our name. The first person to get both meanings correct wins their choice of a I Remember You bracelet! Team members are excluded from this competition. On your mark…get set…guess!
A Sea of Purple!
Kid Power!
Four Generations of Participants!
I Remember You Bracelets
Thanks to all the people who have purchased I Remember You bracelets at different Walks to End Alzheimer’s in New England. Thanks also to all of the folks who buy I Remember You bracelets directly from me when we run into each other at soccer games, practices, school events, assisted living facilities, grocery stores, dentist offices and everywhere else about town. Thanks to all of you who are buying these bracelets from this website! Thank you to all members of Team Nth for helping to make a difference in the fight to end Alzheimer’s…Dad, Joe, Peggy, Carrie, Tom, David, Johanna, Carolyn, Annie, Pam, Kathy, Annemarie, Sheri, Ellen, Kyle, Evan, Ryan, Maddie, Cameron, Meg, Zelie, Sadie, Brooke, Katie, Rachel, Anna, Anika, Olivia, Sophia and Calvin! Thank you Charlie and Brian for making a special trip to the Shelburne Museum to help set up the tent! Thank you to all of our family and friends who sponsored our team and donated to the Alzheimer’s Association! Together we can make a difference!
A Member of the Greatest Generation – My Dad
September 2011
“The first time I ever saw the ocean, I was 18 years old. Our convoy set sail in the middle of the night from New York Harbor. I woke up in the early morning, 30 miles out to sea to the sound of an explosion. The ship behind my own had been hit by a German U-boat.” These were the words of my 85 year old father as we drove along Spear Street on a clear and beautiful Vermont fall morning last week. He had his head turned as we drove along and was gazing out at the calm and vast waters of Lake Champlain. The sight of the water must have triggered this memory. I was mesmerized by his words. My father says these things, comes out with these astounding tidbits of memories and historical information quite casually, as if he were merely commenting on yesterday’s weather or what he had for breakfast that morning at his assisted living facility. Last week I was chatting with him about the state of the economy and where the markets are headed. He shifted gears on me suddenly and asked if I’d seen the story on the news last night entitled, Astronauts’ Tracks, Trash Seen in New Moon Photos. He was referring to the story about the latest pictures taken of the moon and items that had been left there from the Apollo mission in 1969. Part of the “trash” that the story refers to is actually rocket nozzles that were part of the landing base of the Apollo spaceship. My father just happened to develop the protective coating on these rocket nozzles, coating that was able to withstand temperatures of over 4,000 degrees Fahrenheit, which enabled the Apollo space mission to be successful. No kidding! Whenever I look up at the moon, I think of my father’s “trash” still sitting where it was left over 40 years ago. I guess one man’s trash is, well, another man’s rocket nozzles left for all eternity up on the moon! Ask my father sometime about Dr. Albert Sabin, the doctor who developed the first oral polio vaccine. My father worked with Dr. Sabin over 50 years ago in his lab in Ohio. Ask my father to share the monkey story or why he could never drink a bottle of root beer again. You just can’t make this stuff up. My dad eventually left his job at Dr. Sabin’s lab shortly after he met and fell in love with my mother. He was so smitten with my beautiful mother and so concerned that he could accidentally expose her to the polio virus that the left that job to work on a different project, something that required secret clearance from the government and working four stories underground at a secret location. I’m not sure how much of that story my father will allow me to share. Seniors are fascinating people. Don’t let their wheel-chairs, walkers or canes distract you from remembering there is a reason why they are referred to as members of the Greatest Generation. If you haven’t done so recently or ever, go to a senior center, a nursing home or an assisted living facility and strike up a conversation with an elder. I’m heading over to see my dad now. I can’t wait to find out what other pieces of history he has to share.
Did You Know?
September is World Alzheimer’s Month
What does that mean exactly? It means that it’s time to help make a difference in the fight against Alzheimer’s disease. One thing you can do right now is go to www.alz.org and find out when a Walk to End Alzheimer’s is happening near you. 
I’ve formed a team and will be walking in my mother’s memory at the Shelburne Museum in Shelburne, VT on September 25. Three of my four brothers, my father, my husband, my two sons, my daughter and some of the kindest friends I’ve ever been blessed enough to have in my life are walking with me or have donated to my team. My two sisters have formed teams in their hometowns and are also helping sell I Remember You TM bracelets at their Walks to help raise funds to benefit the Alzheimer’s Association. Form a team of your own or if you live in Vermont, come and join my team! See you out there and thanks for your support! Together we can make a difference! Thanks! Nancy
My Jiggety Jog Team 2011 Raising Money To Benefit the VT Respite House
Know the Numbers
About Alzheimer’s:
- Someone develops Alzheimer’s disease every 69 seconds.
- In 2050, an American will develop the disease every 33 seconds.
- An estimated 5.4 million people in the U.S. are living with Alzheimer’s.
- It is the 6th leading cause of death in the U.S.
- It is the only cause of death in the top 10 without a way to prevent, cure or even slow its progression.
- In 2010, nearly 15 million family members and friends provided 17 billion hours of unpaid care to those with Alzheimer’s and other dementias – valued at $202.6 billion.
Moving Day
August 2011
Today is the day, for better or for worse, for richer and definitely for poorer that I move my oldest child into college. Where has the time gone? Eighteen and a half years passed in the blink of an eye, from the day Connor entered this world at 10.1 pounds, 24 inches, our bouncing baby boy looked like he was three months old at birth. Now he is a strapping six-foot tall, dark, handsome and energetic young man. The interesting thing is, today I move my son into his new home and next week I move my father to a new home as well. Can any of you relate to this, any of you who are the part of the Sandwich Generation, those of us who are ‘sandwiched’ between taking care of both our elderly parents and our own children? Some of us enter the world of the Sandwich Generation abruptly, when a parent takes a fall or becomes ill. Sometimes all it takes is one panicked phone call and our world as we knew it and our relationship with our parents is forever changed. One day we’re asking our parents for advice and the next we are thrust into the role of caregiver. Others of us enter the world of the Sandwich Generation gradually, as we slowly, without quite realizing it, take on more and more responsibilities for our aging parents, like shopping, cooking and taking them to doctor appointments. However we get there, at this time in our lives, we are so busy taking care of others’ needs that we frequently neglect our own. We are not alone. In fact, I expect to meet more of my generation up on campus in a little while. In an hour, my husband and l will drive our son to his new college dorm. We’ll load up the car with his clothes and his books, his laptop and his cell phone and even a lava lamp and deliver him to his new, yet temporary home. Today will be a busy day on campus as thousands of us parents, many of us members of the Sandwich Generation, drop off our children for the first time and launch them off into a new chapter in their lives. If it’s anything like the day long ago when my parents first dropped me off at college, the afternoon air will be filled with excitement, anticipation, nervousness and lots of blaring music from dorm rooms. I will now be a mother of a 7th grader, an 11th grader and a freshman in college. How did that happen? How do I feel about dropping my oldest off at college and driving away? I’m not sure yet. I’m trying not to think about it. My son is excited to enter this new college world and embrace all the freedom that comes with it and I don’t want to squash his enthusiasm. I know as I hug him goodbye and drive away, our relationship as mother and son will forever change. It’s inevitable. He’s growing up. Next week I move my father. This move will be easier on me but far more challenging for him. We are simply moving him from one apartment in his assisted living facility to another apartment in a new building next door. My dad will still be a 12-minute drive away, but his world will change as he meets new neighbors and dines with new residents. My father doesn’t like change and unfortunately this has been a year filled with it. Unlike my son, my father is anxious and nervous about his move. I’ll work hard to shift my father’s outlook. I’ll help him. I’ll guide and reassure him. I’m a phone call away from both my son and my father if and when they ever need me. It’s what we do as members of the Sandwich Generation.
A Milkshake to Remember
A Tribute to my Mother
7/21/11
A year ago, my three children, ages 11, 15 and 17 years old drove the familiar 30 minute car ride with me out to see my mother, their grandmother, to celebrate her 83rd birthday. As anyone with teenage children knows, it’s not always an easy feat to coordinate the schedules of teens during the summertime with their busy social lives and sporadic part-time jobs, but my kids knew that this trip to see my mother was special and extraordinarily important. The drive is a pretty one. We cruise out past the Burlington waterfront and head out to the North End. I love driving with my kids. We turn up the radio and sing loudly and badly to whatever top song has hit the charts that week. This particular day the weather was hot and steamy. We made one planned stop, to buy my mother one of her favorite beverages, a chocolate milkshake, and quickly sped it out to her before the milkshake could melt. It was important that the milkshake was the perfect consistency, not too thick and not too melted. Kind of like Goldilocks’ porridge, it had to be just right. This celebration wouldn’t be like other birthdays from the past, the ones celebrated with cake and ice cream, lots of family members and lots of joyful, chaotic and energetic noise. Life had changed, and my mother was no longer living with my father at his assisted living facility. My mother had developed aspiration pneumonia during the winter on top of her Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease and she was now a resident at a rehab facility, in the long-term care unit. Some may call this facility by another name, but I will continue to call it a rehab facility. My mother has had so much to be thankful for throughout her 83 years of life on this planet, 59 years of marriage to the same sweet and charming man, the mother of seven children, and the proud grandmother to 16 grandchildren and one great grandchild! What an amazing life my mother had led! My children and I geared ourselves up for our visit, checking any sadness we felt at the door and cheerfully walked down the long-term care wing to find my mother. And there she sat, in her wheelchair, by the nurses’ station, waiting for our arrival. We greeted her with hugs, kisses and plenty of “Happy Birthdays”. We wheeled her down to a quiet alcove where we could have a more private celebration of our own. I took the top off of her milkshake container, inserted the single candle I had stashed in my bag, and lit it. Again, time was of the essence. We couldn’t let the milkshake melt. We quickly sang Happy Birthday to her, helped her blow out the candle, and spooned the first taste of her birthday milkshake into her mouth. She looked up at me at that moment, her beautiful brown eyes meeting my own for the first time since we’d arrived and I caught a hint of a twinkle in her eye and a smile on her lips. My kids and I cheered! She swallowed the first tiny taste of cool creamy chocolate without choking and eagerly opened her mouth for more. She liked it! I gave her more, a tiny bit at a time, carefully and slowly. Aspirating food into her lungs was what landed her into this rehab facility in the first place and I sure as heck was going to be careful that she didn’t aspirate this milkshake. If food is too thick, she will choke, and ironically enough, if beverages are too thin, she will choke. It’s the nature of dysphagia, losing the ability to swallow. I got about four tiny tastes of the milkshake into her before it got too soupy and dangerous to swallow. By now I’d noticed a flurry of activity behind me. A nurse had darted down the hall in one direction and another nurse darted in the opposite direction. Hmm. I wondered what was up. The first nurse then rushed into our quiet alcove. She asked if any of us had recently lit a match, that they smelled smoke and needed to find the source! Good God! What was I thinking, lighting a match in a rehab facility?! I quickly confessed to my poor judgment and the nurse burst out laughing. Relief flooded over me as the nurse shouted down the hall in both directions, “It’s OK! I found the source! We’re all set!” My kids and I all burst into laughter as I explained to my mother what had happened. And as we laughed, for just a split second, I saw it once more, the hint of a smile on my mother’s beautiful face. This Thursday I’m wishing you another happy birthday, Mom. Life has changed again and so must our celebration of you. Our hearts are heavy with the pain of missing you but you raised us to be strong. We won’t let you down. Your work here is done, but ours is not. We’ll watch out over Dad as promised. We’ll take care of each other and help others who need us. This year may you smile your beautiful smile. May you dance with the wind and send love from above. Your love is eternal. Your love will never end and neither will our love for you. Happy Birthday Mom. 
An Angel Over Their Shoulders
7/19/11
An unexpected phone call the other afternoon changed the direction of my work day. It was my oldest sister on the line, and I could hear the distress in her voice. “It’s Dad”, she said. “I just called him to chat but something is really wrong. He wasn’t making any sense on the phone. I’m so sorry to do this to you, but can you go check on him?” I was already halfway to my car before she finished her last sentence. This isn’t the first phone call of distress I’ve received from my siblings through the years and it certainly won’t be the last. Our father is 84 years old and lives in an assisted living facility about 12 minutes from my house. He’s pretty healthy overall, but as we’ve discovered, sometimes unexpected things just happen. I recall one afternoon two years ago when I drove to his assisted living facility in a mere 8 minutes, this time when my father had fallen and broken his neck. I find it hard to maintain the speed limit when my parents’ health and safety are on the line. The more serious the crisis, the harder my foot presses on the accelerator. Of the seven children in my family, I am the seventh, the third of three daughters. My siblings are scattered across the country. Three of us, fortunately, live here in Vermont, very near my parents. We are a caregiving team, my two local brothers and me, and I thank God everyday for their help. It seems though that no matter how many grown children live nearby to help their aging parents; usually one child emerges first in line to receive these distress calls and soon becomes the primary caregiver. Sometimes the primary caregiver is a grown son but usually it’s a daughter, and most frequently it’s the youngest daughter. More of us continue to join the ranks of caregivers as millions of Baby Boomers reach retirement age. I love the quote so often used to describe people of all ages. It says that there are four types of people in the world, those who have been caregivers, those who are caregivers, those will be caregivers, and those who will need caregiving. The first two roles I had never envisioned for myself. I never realized my parents would need me to take care of them. They didn’t realize it either. The thing about aging and health issues is that frequently they just sneak up on you, a little at a time. I was running errands, cleaning and cooking for my mother long before her diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease. Little by little she was no longer able to complete routine tasks and so I just picked up the slack for her. I had eased into the role of caregiver without realizing that what I was doing had a title. So what was wrong with my father the other afternoon? Why wasn’t he making any sense on the phone with my sister? I had a couple of theories as I sped over to check on him. A doctor’s appointment the following day confirmed what I suspected. I figured my father either was dehydrated or had an infection of some sort. Both of these conditions can lead a senior to experience confusion. Any guesses? It turns out my father had an upper respiratory infection. The antibiotic he is now on is doing the trick and he’s back to his old, sweet and funny self. We were lucky this time that it wasn’t something more serious. Yes, I’m a caregiver for my parents and I have been for eleven years, but I prefer my 12 year old daughter’s title for what I am. She calls me an ”angel over their shoulders.”
Nancy,
What a beautiful, inspiring blog!
10.07.11 at 2:00 am
Suzanne,
Your comment made my day…thanks!
10.07.11 at 11:52 am
Nancy, you write with heart and honesty. I love thinking about all the people your words will help and inspire. I know your courage and the courage of your family — perhaps especially Meg — have deeply inspired me.
10.08.11 at 6:03 pm
What a wonderful compliment Susie! I am so touched! Meg truly is an inspiration.
10.08.11 at 11:37 pm
I am so proud. It is so beautiful.
11.30.11 at 2:12 am
Beautiful thoughts about gratitude from a beautiful soul. I am grateful for you.
11.30.11 at 3:03 am